Saturday, November 3, 2018

Peace in two-minute increments


I want to be in a drug commercial. Let me rephrase that. I want to live in a drug commercial. That sounds even worse. If I may explain.

I don’t have fantasies about being rich or famous or even good looking. That ship, as they say, has sunk. Now I just want a nice quiet life. Where everything moves in slow motion. Where when I go to the park or a car show or even a ball game there is no one there but my love ones. No drunks. No horns blasting. No pollution of any kind. Just some soft music playing and a voice over describing severe side effects that I tune out thanks to my tinnitus.

Yes, people are sick and never cured, but their symptoms are alleviated within two minutes. And even when they are not they are at peace and seem content. Maybe heaven is just an eternal drug commercial? Spending eons floating around with the people you love and who love you. You never have to fight for a parking spot or do laundry. Side effects may include a bland diet and not giving a shit.

I know this is a strange concept. But after a year of cancer, a lost job, mass shootings, bomb threats and a political environment that could make a parasitic worm go “yecch” I need a break. It was what made escapist films so popular during the Great Depression. We could use some songs like they had in the 1930s such as “We’re in the money” and “You can Boogie my Woogie for a nickel cigar”.

I guess it is just that time of year when all my beloved drug commercials are replaced by political attack ads. If I see one more grainy photo of a person askew with broken typewriter lettering I may just go mad. What other profession resorts to this level of animus in order to land a job? So, I have some real answers to today’s problems I would like to share with those running for office and maybe we can get this over with.

1.     Gun control: No restrictions on owning firearms but only for women.
2.     Instead of sending troops to the border how about holding a job fair there? Anyone that can walk 1,200 miles on little food or water is hiring material.
3.     If we want government for the people by the people than half the people in government have to be women.
4.     Healthcare: if we take care of 3, then the actual caregivers will figure it out.
5.     No advertising of any kind for political office! Only debates and town hall meetings.
6.     Every state needs to offer people the chance to vote early so it is convenient.
7.     If we are in an environmental crisis (which we are) maybe we should start electing scientist instead of lawyers and pitchmen?

Any more problems pop up just send them over. It makes me sad to think how you will get by without my sage wisdom once I depart this world. Should I write a number of blogs to be posted after I’m gone so I can bitch beyond the grave? It’s the gift that keeps on griping. Now if you will excuse me I am due back in the woods with Gwyneth Paltrow’s mother, drifting my problems away in a semi-somnolence hike. But to end in a positive note here is a quote from the poem “The Happy Hunchback”: Things look bad, the future bleak and people are corrupt. And although I’m always looking down, I’m also looking up!

Below is a portrait I did in oils of my grandmother, the sweetest person in my childhood.




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