Sunday, April 22, 2012

I Need Answers

Why does everyone dread jury duty? It’s the only lottery I consistently win. This time I was chosen for a criminal case. Here in Boulder, the courtroom was a relaxed almost congenial atmosphere. There were no armed guards in the courtroom. We were allowed to bring food and drinks while listening to testimony. Jurist wore whatever they wanted, which included Crocs and shorts. Outside the courthouse is bucolic Boulder Creek and just behind stand the Flatirons. We sat quietly for two days listening to testimony. Once we entered the Jury room everyone needed to talk at once. Coming from an Italian background, eleven people talking at the same time was nothing more than a typical Sunday dinner. It was no wonder I was elected foreman. After two hours of deliberations we reached verdicts on all four counts. Back east, we’ve had longer arguments on who should be invited to a bridal party. So why is everyone afraid to be called? Just think of it as getting together with relatives without the sauce.

With all this talk about the Titanic lately I have one thing to ask. Why didn’t the captain sail back to the iceberg and put all the passengers on it?

Pat Robertson and other religious leaders claimed Hurricane Katrina, which hit New Orleans in 2005, was a result of God wanting to punish the U.S. because of our legal right to have an abortion. In 2010, Robertson said Haiti made a "pact to the devil" and that is what brought on the devastating earthquake. So why is God attaching the Bible Belt now with all these hurricanes?

Which are you more outraged about?
A) The Secret Service hiring prostitutes in Columbia
B) The GSA spending more than $800,000 on a junket

How is it possible that my wife is so bad with plants she killed our rock garden?

When I was young my hair was an unruly forest that got trimmed once every June. This way it had time to grow back in time for school. So why is it now that my scalp resembles a vacant lot in the Bronx I need to get it cut every two weeks?

And lastly, the Forest Service has a question. What do you do with six frozen cows in an abandoned cabin? Two hikers discovered them this week. The question is do they leave them and let nature take its course? Should they burn them? Or should they blow up the cabin with the cows inside? See, not all government jobs are boring. Kids, get your cameras ready!

Sidney, the chapter book, is almost complete. Here is another illustration during his couch session.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I ought to memorialize ya!

 As you might have surmised at this date another Mega Million Lottery has come and gone and my wallet is a few dollars lighter than I would have liked. So instead of driving my daughter in our new flying car to catch a movie I made her pack a bag of stale potato chips from home.

It’s too bad to since I had some mighty good plans for that money. For one thing I wouldn’t have fallen into that ‘buy an island’ crowd. The last thing I want to do is cook coconuts and clams for the rest of my life. Besides, I know how I can get on my wife’s nerves after a week’s vacation let alone a few months. It’ll be a remake of “The Shining” with sand and I’m Shelley Duvall.

I was hoping to make a bet with Mitt Romney for $10,000 on what weights more a bowling ball or Newt’s head. If it was a big enough payout I could write, direct, and star in my own movie. Then send a copy to Jerry Lewis with a note saying “See, this isn’t always a good idea.”

Or perhaps produce a calendar based on the work of Anne Geddes, but instead of photographing babies I would have senior citizens. Who wouldn’t want to turn to March and see grandpa lying on a rug dressed up like a box of raisins? Hey, the population is graying, why not an easy to read large type calendar to go with it?

We can all agree that those are great ideas. With such a big payout, however, I need a big payout idea. Which means I could finally start work on my magnum opus. I would open a museum dedicated to The Three Stooges.

The building would have three structures. The two wings would be dedicated each to Moe and Larry. The middle and largest of the three is constructed like Russian Nesting Dolls with four distinct sub-structures. The largest would be dedicated to (who else?) Jerome, Curly, Howard and down through Shemp, Joe Besser and finally Curly Joe DeRita. All four areas will show films exclusively to that artist.

The museum is free to get in but instead of paying you have to get slapped in the face. When the doors open each day you’ll hear “Hello, Hello, Hello…Hello in their best sing song voice. Larry will announce the floors in the elevators. Speaking if which, you will also need to push two buttons for each floor accompanied by someone plucking a violin. Each guard is specially trained to insult every patron so no one feels left out. “Hey porcupine, not so close to the exhibit.”

The cafeteria will serve chicken soup (pour through a real chicken) and of course clam chowder and coffee. The gift shop has everything you need to make your visit complete from a spinning bow tie to a pen the writes under whipped cream.

We can also arrange children’s party with their complimentary pie fight and the ultimate IMAX Stooge Experience Laser Light Show, with real lasers. Kids, cover your eyes!

With a Chrome Dome membership you will receive a singing telegram on your birthday PLUS 10% off from our interior design department by Omay.

Can’t you just picture it? It will be everything you always wanted in a Stooge Museum. You’ll want to come back again and again, once your face heals from all the slapping. And all it takes is a dollar and a dream.

Painting I did for a recent competition. Also, my website has be redesigned if you care to check it out.