Tuesday, January 10, 2012


When I was in school all those years ago I was your typical angry young man. I had to rebel against everything that was established in those days with my music, clothes, even my hair. Refusing to listen to parents about dressing properly for an interview or lowering the volume of Brain Salad Surgery on my Sansui 7070 when others asked only made me want to do it more.

Is it the perspective of age and a certain amount of sagacity over the years that I have learned to be more tolerant? Hardly. More likely it is due to having less to protest with since losing my hair and a good deal of hearing, Although, I think I still have those painter’s pants in the back of my closet along with a Jethro Tull concert T from 1979. But as any reader of these ramblings can tell you I haven’t mellowed completely over the years. I’ve gone from an angry young man to a complaining old one. Now I’m ready to turn another corner.

My first idea was to install a plaque on my front door. I got this notion when I went to the movies. The sign would read “Please refrain from using your cell phone and keep your voice down for the enjoyment of others.” These marketing people know what they are doing. But that didn’t go far enough.

I’ve entered the millennium last week (better late than never I suppose) with a purchase of an iPhone. Not the new one mind you, but the one you can get for .99, $1.07 with tax. It was a reluctant decision based mostly on the fact that the ‘6’ button didn’t work on my old phone. Not having a keyboard didn’t help either while trying to communicate with those accustomed to texting.

I resisted for as long as I could. But now that I own one my viewpoint is changing. I am now embracing the American art of marketing and advertising. The first thing I notice were all the alerts you can choose from. I want to incorporate them throughout my whole house. Who wouldn’t feel important when you open the front door to the fanfare of French horns from the ‘Sherwood Forest’ clip? I may just go in and out a few times each day to give my frail and tattered ego a boost. I plan on having all my entrances wired so they play different alerts depending who is there. I call it the iDoor. Now everyone can have his or her own theme song, just like Dick Cheney has Darth Vader’s. For my mother-in-law, what else but ‘Science Fiction’ to give me a heads up. ‘Suspense’ is perfect for strangers and bill collectors. I can even use the ‘Bark’ since my dog has become apathetic and doesn’t give a shit who is knocking any more.

Why stop at the front door? For those long dinners that need a little pick me up how about iTable? Have a very close friend that tells awful jokes? The ‘Cricket’ is perfect for those occasions. ‘Time Passing’ may give those never want to leave guests the hint. Introducing the iPet, a small CPU chip we implant in your pet so you can get them to behave the way you want them to. Hmmm, maybe an iSpouse? (Note to self: tell my wife I stopped writing this blog.)

And you people were worried now that Steve Jobs is gone. Tsk, tsk. Why I have a million ways we can push Apple to the next frontier. There’s the iBoss (be your own boss), the iGovenment (we can save a lot of waste here folks!) and the iI where eventually you can replace yourself. Yes sir, once again I’m hip and happening. It only took four decades. I only have one question. What are theses things called ‘apps’?

Just a couple of sketches I did on vacation before my pad fell in an ice bucket.


  1. Wow you love typos. I think they have an "iTable" already. It's just a huge touch screen table you can play games and order food on. Speaking of which, "apps" are appetizers.

  2. I just thought of another app for children: iPunish. Email me the typos wiseguy.