If it’s not too soon I’d like to apply for Andy Rooney’s old job. It’s not like I can’t find enough things to complain about. Even Andy was running out towards the end. Chocolate chip cookies? Really, that’s your problem this week? I’m essentially doing the same thing now, just without the lucrative paycheck. Which brings me to my first complaint. Where is my lucrative paycheck? I wait everyday for an executive over at CBS to call or write saying “These clever remarks of yours are certainly worth their weight in pithiness. Do you prefer check or cash?”
And by starting at a fairly early age, I still have decade’s worth of gripes in me. Most curmudgeons don’t start until they have grandchildren or other things that grate on their nerves and ruin the linoleum. It may just be a case of reverse ageism. Who says a person can’t be crotchety before sixty-five? Given the chance I can act like an emotional Benjamin Button! I’ll throw tantrums as if I was Tim Tebow throwing a pass, which is likely to end up anywhere. I’ll even stop using my online thesaurus so everyone will get the opportunity to appreciate what my problems are. Here, I can prove it…
You know what I don’t like? People who mess up a bed. Many of us toss and turn until the whole thing looks like a scene from that silent movie whose name escapes me right now, but was a big hit when I was in high school. You know the one. Why can’t they lie down like I do, as a living mummy. This way it makes it so much easier for the person who has to make it. It’s just a common courtesy, like only keeping your dentures in a glass reserved for houseguests and in-laws. And when that one day comes when you can’t get up, it becomes less bothersome for the paramedics. And isn’t that what life is all about? Making it easier for people that have to deal with you.
See? Perfect, right? This stuff writes itself. And what’s more impressive than someone complaining about complaining? In closing this open cover letter to CBS and Sumner Redstone I just like to say that unlike Rooney I can be used for your cross marketing platform with parent company National Amusement in order to perpetuate your entertainment packages and help support such fine programming as “Jersey Shore”, (psst, Snookie is my fact checker).
Still not enough? Well, stick around. The holidays are approaching and I’m sure I can find something there. Besides, 2012 is an election year. And speaking of 2012, what is the problem with the Mayans? Can’t they have a normal calendar with cute puppies or hunky firemen or even hunky puppies as firemen? What did we ever do to them? Oh right.
Studio piece from a plein air study.