Happy Mother's Day

I often write these blogs late at night. In case you haven’t noticed, I often leave the grammar on the foam pillow

Sometimes I wish I believed in God. It must be a great comfort knowing there is a big dad up in the sky watching over us. I am being sincere. I envy people that live a pious life and go to bed knowing someone is watching over them. That you will be rewarded for being kind and just and living a good life. It is also comforting when things don’t always work out. The rational to say it is God’s way, like WWII and the Chicago Cubs. I worry about my children like most other parents and it would help to know God is looking out for them when I’m not around.

To me, however, there is no grand design to the universe. If there were, God would have better things to worry about than whether Larry and Steve in Dubuque, Iowa are having a go at each other, or whether the Nuggets can pull off an upset. Through all the planets in all the Cosmos you think he would care about that? How egocentric we are.

That brings me to another point on God. It’s been said, apparently by an anal retentive, that Godliness is next to cleanliness. To all the slobs out there, relax. He (or She ) is not as concerned with the roll of your socks as you may think. A much more appropriate statement would be Godliness is next to Motherhood. Mothers leave a huge imprint on our psyches, that more than makes up for poverty, injustice, education, and all the other ills of a childhood that we may endure. She can make a gifted child do more, an ordinary child feel loved, and a child with a disability, special. A mom needs to fill their child with confidence and nurtured with love. It can even be more difficult being the mom of a step-child or adopted child, when that love isn’t always reciprocated. “How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!.” King Lear, William Shakespeare.

Being a mom is not a job, but it is hard work. Your reward is seeing your child happy. I think how lucky my daughter is for having my wife as her mother. Cas learned it from her mother and it is a gift she is passing down again. Thank you to all the moms, step-moms, surragate moms out there this Mother’s Day that work so hard at making their children feel loved. 

 

I Need Answers

Why does everyone dread jury duty? It’s the only lottery I consistently win. This time I was chosen for a criminal case. Here in Boulder, the courtroom was a relaxed almost congenial atmosphere. There were no armed guards in the courtroom. We were allowed to bring food and drinks while listening to testimony. Jurist wore whatever they wanted, which included Crocs and shorts. Outside the courthouse is bucolic Boulder Creek and just behind stand the Flatirons. We sat quietly for two days listening to testimony. Once we entered the Jury room everyone needed to talk at once. Coming from an Italian background, eleven people talking at the same time was nothing more than a typical Sunday dinner. It was no wonder I was elected foreman. After two hours of deliberations we reached verdicts on all four counts. Back east, we’ve had longer arguments on who should be invited to a bridal party. So why is everyone afraid to be called? Just think of it as getting together with relatives without the sauce.

With all this talk about the Titanic lately I have one thing to ask. Why didn’t the captain sail back to the iceberg and put all the passengers on it?

Pat Robertson and other religious leaders claimed Hurricane Katrina, which hit New Orleans in 2005, was a result of God wanting to punish the U.S. because of our legal right to have an abortion. In 2010, Robertson said Haiti made a "pact to the devil" and that is what brought on the devastating earthquake. So why is God attaching the Bible Belt now with all these hurricanes?

Which are you more outraged about?

A) The Secret Service hiring prostitutes in Columbia

B) The GSA spending more than $800,000 on a junket

How is it possible that my wife is so bad with plants she killed our rock garden?

When I was young my hair was an unruly forest that got trimmed once every June. This way it had time to grow back in time for school. So why is it now that my scalp resembles a vacant lot in the Bronx I need to get it cut every two weeks?

And lastly, the Forest Service has a question. What do you do with six frozen cows in an abandoned cabin? Two hikers discovered them this week. The question is do they leave them and let nature take its course? Should they burn them? Or should they blow up the cabin with the cows inside? See, not all government jobs are boring. Kids, get your cameras ready!

Sidney, the chapter book, is almost complete. Here is another illustration during his couch session.

I ought to memorialize ya!

 As you might have surmised at this date another Mega Million Lottery has come and gone and my wallet is a few dollars lighter than I would have liked. So instead of driving my daughter in our new flying car to catch a movie I made her pack a bag of stale potato chips from home.

It’s too bad to since I had some mighty good plans for that money. For one thing I wouldn’t have fallen into that ‘buy an island’ crowd. The last thing I want to do is cook coconuts and clams for the rest of my life. Besides, I know how I can get on my wife’s nerves after a week’s vacation let alone a few months. It’ll be a remake of “The Shining” with sand and I’m Shelley Duvall.

I was hoping to make a bet with Mitt Romney for $10,000 on what weights more a bowling ball or Newt’s head. If it was a big enough payout I could write, direct, and star in my own movie. Then send a copy to Jerry Lewis with a note saying “See, this isn’t always a good idea.”

Or perhaps produce a calendar based on the work of Anne Geddes, but instead of photographing babies I would have senior citizens. Who wouldn’t want to turn to March and see grandpa lying on a rug dressed up like a box of raisins? Hey, the population is graying, why not an easy to read large type calendar to go with it?

We can all agree that those are great ideas. With such a big payout, however, I need a big payout idea. Which means I could finally start work on my magnum opus. I would open a museum dedicated to The Three Stooges.

The building would have three structures. The two wings would be dedicated each to Moe and Larry. The middle and largest of the three is constructed like Russian Nesting Dolls with four distinct sub-structures. The largest would be dedicated to (who else?) Jerome, Curly, Howard and down through Shemp, Joe Besser and finally Curly Joe DeRita. All four areas will show films exclusively to that artist.

The museum is free to get in but instead of paying you have to get slapped in the face. When the doors open each day you’ll hear “Hello, Hello, Hello…Hello in their best sing song voice. Larry will announce the floors in the elevators. Speaking if which, you will also need to push two buttons for each floor accompanied by someone plucking a violin. Each guard is specially trained to insult every patron so no one feels left out. “Hey porcupine, not so close to the exhibit.”

The cafeteria will serve chicken soup (pour through a real chicken) and of course clam chowder and coffee. The gift shop has everything you need to make your visit complete from a spinning bow tie to a pen the writes under whipped cream.

We can also arrange children’s party with their complimentary pie fight and the ultimate IMAX Stooge Experience Laser Light Show, with real lasers. Kids, cover your eyes!

With a Chrome Dome membership you will receive a singing telegram on your birthday PLUS 10% off from our interior design department by Omay.

Can’t you just picture it? It will be everything you always wanted in a Stooge Museum. You’ll want to come back again and again, once your face heals from all the slapping. And all it takes is a dollar and a dream.

Painting I did for a recent competition. Also, my website has be redesigned if you care to check it out.

http://jamiestroud.com/index.html

Deep Thoughts

It took me awhile to decide whether to hate James Cameron or not. I do. He recently took a one-man dive in a submersible 6.8 miles into the Mariana Trench. Cameron was quoted as describing it as “…a completely black void like being on the moon or the first 45 minutes of ‘Titanic’”. While it is true it was part of a National Geographic expedition, the real reason he made the trip was to find a place to store his extra ego that he no longer could contain.

Although it is admirable that he is devoting time and money to research instead of drugs, I do think he should have left the final drop to the poor bastards that devoted their lives to oceanography and without whose help he could not have accomplished this feat. You know, the scientists that aren’t named in any of the news reports. If it were me, I would have made the second descent, stopping a foot short.

It’s springtime here again in Colorado and that means two things. First, it is mating season for skunks. No I’m not talking politics again. These are the four-legged Pepe LePew variety. Love is in the air, or something like it, as our road-kill gives off an interesting aroma of romance and nausea. Everyone slows down to below the speed limit avoiding the necessity of digging chunks of skunk out of the groves of new Michelins radials.

The second is the wildfires, which is a much more serious topic. Growing up on the east coast, every season was just as malaise-filled as the previous one. But Colorado is similar to the Gulf States, where certain times of the year call for extra precautions. With winds blowing at 50 mph, and humidity around 23%, fires start and travel very quickly. You can’t fight nature but learn to live with it. It helps make a community what it is as everyone needs to contribute to the safety of the area. I have a real appreciation to those that battle the fires (I guess you can fight nature), and in the Gulf’s case, contain the floods. Thank you for doing a dangerous job and keeping us safe.

Now onto another topic…

I was sitting in a coffee bar last week eavesdropping on a family at the next table. The little boy asked his mom about reincarnation (this is Boulder remember) and if she did what kind of animal would she come back as. “I think I would like to be an otter,” she told her son. “What about you dad?” He answered “The kind that kills otters.”

Our dog is getting a bit long in the tooth these days. My daughter thinks we should buy pet insurance. “What for?” I asked. “In case she gets sick and needs medicine,” she answered. “Honey,” I said in my soothing daddy voice “the only medicine we’ll ever need for her is a shovel.” Now anytime I do any gardening she acts as chipper as a puppy.

Things have been busy around here lately. My daughter is off from school this week and my wife quit her job. She said she is taking the summer off. When I pointed to the calendar that still had March on it, she just laughed and said “Why don’t you make trout almandine for dinner?” I think I have my work cut out for me.

I am working on a painting for a local competition that is due in three weeks. So far I am pretty happy with the results, which is leading to endless anxiety-filled sleepless nights. I’ll post it when completed. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with an inking I did from a model session.

One last note: I removed a filter from this blog so anyone can post a comment without the need for registering. This will make it easy to comment. And I just know those comments will be of a positive nature, right?

Sidney Sees A Shrink

You might be sick of hearing about Sidney or maybe you have never heard of him before, but either way he is coming back. My picture book "Sidney Sees A Shrink" that I produced in grad school has gone through a transformation. Because of its wordiness and subject matter, I decided to turn Sidney into a chapter book for a slightly older audience.

I plan on self-publishing it sometime this spring, because we all know how much kids love to read in the summer. The story is finished along with fourteen of the twenty completely new black and white drawings. "Sidney Sees A Shrink" holds a place close to my heart, but north of my pancreas, and will be available through LuLu.com and I hope you can check it out.

Scene from Chapter Five.

While in the middle of group therapy the dogs are convinced there is a cat in the room.

Some tidbits and random thoughts

In 1864, Lewis Carroll asked John Tenniel to illustrate Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Tenniel accepted and was paid £138 or roughly $219. Today writers, and some publishers, seeking illustrators offer around the same amount to illustrate an entire book.

Rick Santorum's view on women’s rights dates back to the Middle Ages. If that is what he believes I can accept it, but who is voting for him? They can’t all be men. While a group of white middle-age religious men testified on Capital Hill about Women’s Contraception Rights, not one woman was asked to participate. In fact one was denied to speak.

Would someone look out the window and see if Superman is circling the globe backwards?

I was driving home from the local nursery, Strother & Martin’s, when I heard Governor Christie wants to lower the flags at half-mast for Whitney Houston. I would rather see them lowered for a sanitation worker killed in the line of duty than a drug addict. Celebrity you say? They weren’t lowered for Frank Sinatra or Lou Costello, both Jersey born, why her?

It has all become too acceptable for an entertainer to overdose. Maybe the industry should be regulated like sports. When players started receiving too many serious head injuries, the NFL changed the design of the helmets along with the rules. Instead of protecting entertainers the industry has these tributes that go on for days. It’s safer to be in porn than music.

I wish the producers of “The Bachelor” were involved in the Republican nomination race. It would go a lot faster. Mitt will you accept this rose?

The other day at a Chinese restaurant I got a fortune cookie that read “Your luck will change”. What the hell does that mean? Now it’s 5 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep trying to figure out whether I have had a good life or not.

The father of my daughter’s friend told me he is planning to swim the Straights of Gibraltar next summer. I told him it wasn’t necessary since they have a ferry system now, but he said its part of his bucket list. That’s the kind of people you find out here. My bucket list has ‘buy a DVR’, which I thought was a sure thing until I got that damn fortune cookie.

If you read my last piece I wrote about my Oscar picks, which will be televised this Sunday (The Oscars that is not my picks, although I guarantee they would go a lot shorter). I have to write an addendum. I just finished watching “The Help” a few minutes ago. By far the best picture I have seen in a long time. This film was beautiful, poignant, clever, funny, but mostly important. It showed a similar human spirit as “Schindler’s List”. I was very hesitant to watch it thinking it was a ‘chick flick’. Sometimes great films have awful marketing. That is the case here. It really was a great piece of filmmaking. I know I always have a least one thing to critique, and I do with “The Help” but unlike Minny’s pie recipe, I’ll keep it to myself.

By the way, Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is circulating a petition about what happened on Capitol Hill if you are interested. Here is the link and yes I did sign it. Apparently, even though it is 2012 I still need to help protect my daughters’ and wife’s rights.

http://www.democratsenators.org/o/44/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=369&track=OMFW_KEG_201202&tag=OMFW_KEG_201202_4

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar

Yes the Oscars will soon be upon us and that means you are eagerly waiting to read what I have the say about them. I won’t go through all the categories in fear this will read like the show itself. Speaking of the show. Next year please get someone else to host rather than a balloon with a painted face. What is with old comedians and plastic surgery? Are they so desperate to get a laugh?

Best Picture

"The Artist"

This has a good chance for the title alone. Hollywood still thinks it makes art. But spending over $75 for tickets, snacks, and a sitter for a black and white silent film? I’ll wait for the DVD.

"The Descendants"

ehh, good not Oscar worthy.

"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Too painful and released too late.

"The Help"

Seems like many African-Americans hate this film, so forget its chances. Didn’t see it.

"Hugo"

Beautifully filmed. Marty will most likely win since he is passed due, although I have a few critiques. 1) While imitating French films the characters seems more like caricatures. Just compare an early scene with one from “Amelie”. 2) Borat as an inspector? Please. 3) Why does Hollywood use English actors to portray everyone from a foreign country? Not only would it feel more authentic to have them speak with French accents, but it would heighten Hugo’s isolation. Marty, for your next project, call me. Second half with Méliés was great. Yes, I said great.

"Midnight in Paris"

Beautiful charming film. Little overdone with the yellow filter. Owen Wilson looked like he was caught between his acting style and Woody’s. Won’t win.

"Moneyball"

See “Descendants”

"The Tree of Life"

Good time to catch up on that much needed nap.

"War Horse"

Remake of “Frances Goes to War” but without the laughs. Boring meandering plot. Only one decent scene with the cavalry charging the machine guns in an old world meets new. If Spielberg didn’t have his name on this it wouldn’t have made the cut.

My pick? “Thor”. Out of all the nominated films I couldn’t watch any twice. That’s the true test of an Oscar winner. Be honest, which of these would you watch more than once?

Actor in a Leading Role

Demián Bichir in "A Better Life"

Never heard of it.

George Clooney in "The Descendants"

I wasn’t sure about this pick until I talked to my wife. She was deeply saddened watching this film. Sad? Did we see the same film? Here’s a brief summation. Clooney’s character is married to a horrible woman that apparently is a crappy mother and is having an affair with Shaggy. She is in a boating accident and dies. The guy is a lawyer whose family owns a billion dollars of Hawaiian real estate, his kids start to love him again, he lives in Hawaii, AND he looks like George Clooney! And everyone feels bad for the guy? That, my friend, is acting.

Jean Dujardin in "The Artist"

I’ll get back to you.

Gary Oldman in "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"

Someone tell the academy remakes don’t win.

Brad Pitt in "Moneyball"

Ehh

Actor in a Supporting Role

Kenneth Branagh in "My Week with Marilyn"

Sorry but I just can’t see him as Marilyn.

Jonah Hill in "Moneyball"

Was he in this?

Nick Nolte in "Warrior" Really?

Christopher Plummer in "Beginners"

Chris is long, LONG overdue. One of the best actors around today.

Max von Sydow in "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Max is long, LONG overdue. One of the best actors around today. Wait, did I just…Aren’t they the same person?

Actress in a Leading Role

I didn’t see any of these movies, so I’ll just pick Michelle Williams since Hollywood loves Marilyn. Besides, everyone is sick of Meryl, “The Help” is too controversial, Rooney comes from money, and Glenn Close really is a man. Why do you think they call her Glenn?

Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs"

Viola Davis in "The Help"

Rooney Mara in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

Meryl Streep in "The Iron Lady"

Michelle Williams in "My Week with Marilyn"

Actress in a Supporting Role

I only saw “Bridesmaids” and comedies very rarely win. Besides, does anyone really care about this category? Can’t they move it to the technical night and make the show shorter?

Bérénice Bejo in "The Artist"

Jessica Chastain in "The Help"

Melissa McCarthy in "Bridesmaids"

Janet McTeer in "Albert Nobbs"

Octavia Spencer in "The Help"

The saddest comment is the number of original songs nominated. Just two and they had to scrape iTunes clearance barrel for them. Maybe the Academy should just skip categories some years. However, I think it will be a big night for Scorsese who made a film the Academy can get behind.

Overall it promises to be one of the most mundane years ever. I think the only thing that will help is if Vegas sets some odds. What’s the over/under for GOP jokes in the monologue?